How To Have More Best Friends in Your Life: The Heartfelt Guide

by Celes | ?Email to friend

Have you ever experienced times when you want a listening ear, but you can?t find one? Times when you feel lonely and down, but there?s no one you can speak to? Times when you wonder how you can have all these friends and contacts in your social media list and phone book, yet you?ve never felt more alone in this world?

I felt exactly like that last week.

Aloneness in a Sea of Friends

Last week, I was feeling depressed about something (not relevant to this post, and I don?t remember what it?s about anymore though I?ll be sure to write about it the next time it comes up) and wanted to talk to someone about it.

As I looked through my phone list for someone to reach out to, I?realized to my utter disappointment that there was no one I felt I could talk to.

This was not the first time I felt this way. There had been other times where I felt there was no one there for me in this world. Times when I was down and out; when I felt like I needed a break (not a rest, but like a break from the world); when I felt unappreciated; when I felt heavy amounts of self-contempt.?While such situations did not occur all the time, there had been moments when I felt this way. And when they happened, there were times when I couldn?t find someone, a fellow friend whom I trust, to confide in about it.

It was depressing. Original problem aside, it was even more depressing not to have someone whom I could reach out to. It?s quite a hollow feeling when you have an entire phone list of friends, colleagues, business associates, relatives, acquaintances, social buddies, but not feel like there?s any one you can call and speak to.?That somehow, out of the all the hundreds or perhaps a thousand people I knew out there, that there wasn?t one ? not even one ? person whom I felt I could call when I felt down and out.

It felt as if these connections were facades; that while we were friends in name and form (name meaning the labels in our relationship like colleagues/friends/pals/etc; form meaning we may occasionally meet up and all), it was just a charade at the end of the day.

Friends come and go. I guess it?s a fact of life. The friends whom I used to be able to reach out to, and air my thoughts openly, have faded out of my life in the past few years. Two of my best friends recently had to relocate to another country, one due to work, and another due to personal reasons. When they left, a part of my inner circle became broken.?One of my good friends has been MIA for the past few months, partly because I think his girlfriend opposes to him talking to me. Another good friend from back in junior college has been inaccessible for a good part of our friendship during the past few years, despite me informing him about the issue. It made me realize that perhaps our friendship was never as close as I thought it was. Then there was my best friend of 10 years from the past, whom I broke away from a few years ago, because our friendship had reached the point where it was holding us back.

There have been other good friends as well, but we have drifted away as we became occupied with different things in our lives ? me with TPEB and my personal development business, and them with their work and/or relationship partners. These are friends I knew from back in school and in my previous workplace, and I was very close to them for a period of time. These are friends whom I used to be able to speak candidly with, whom I used to be able to call and talk about whatever?s on my mind. But I guess things have changed since then. Even though I made an effort to keep in touch with them the past few years, I can?t say they have reciprocated those efforts, unfortunately.

Then there are the social friends ? activity buddies whom I hang out with for dinners, lunches, meet-ups, etc with. But our friendships have never developed beyond just being activity mates. While we?d be out together, sometimes I feel like I don?t even know them. Even though I may want to get to know them better, sometimes I feel an iron wall between us ? one they erected because they don?t want to let people in. The interactions never go beyond superficial discussions and slapstick jokes, which fade away in distant memory the next day, never to surface again.

Anatomy of Authentic Relationships

As I mulled over my feeling of emptiness, I couldn?t help but wonder what made our best friends, best friends.?What is it that makes us decide if this is someone we want to reach out to when we feel down??Why is it that I feel more inclined to contact certain people, but not others??Why is it that the same, few names pop into my mind, whenever I feel weak, vulnerable, and depressed??These were some thoughts that went through my mind.

And most importantly:?How can we extend this kind of relationship to everyone around us as well, since this kind of heartfelt, unadulterated connection is arguably the highest form of friendships that one would like to get?

In answering my questions, I began to sieve out the people whom I consider myself to be close to, whether today or at some point in the past. I thought about the people whom I had reached out to confide in before. I thought about the people whom I felt safe sharing my darkest thoughts and feelings with. I thought about the people whom I think about contacting whenever I reach a fix.

As I analyzed these friendships, I began to see commonalities behind them:

• These people have been there for me when I was down in the past
• These people have never once judged me, criticized me, nor been negative to me
• These people have been supportive and encouraging in everything I do
• These are people whom I got to know better before our friendship progressed, due to the presence of a common ?space?, such as school, a workplace, a business project, and so on

Out of all these friendships, there wasn?t a set point where they suddenly switched from hi-bye/regular friendships to a deeper friendship overnight. Rather, it was more of a progression:

1. We knew each other under a certain context, be it work/school/life (length of friendship not withstanding)
2. They had been supportive in the friendship all along, and had always looked out for me, one way or another
3. Because of that, it built the trust, from me to them
4. Over time, it led me to confide in them during the points when I faced challenges in my life
5. The experience made the friendship even stronger

If anything, the starting point for these true, authentic friendships was their unconditional kindness, their non-judgment nature, their supportiveness, and their giving spirit. Without these, the friendships would never have blossomed the way they did. Without these, I would never have confided in them, and these friends would never have become my good friends.

Being a Best Friend vs. Having Best Friends

When I was thinking about this, I realized to my horror that I had not been any of these to my friends out there. I had not been unconditionally kind, non-judgmental, supportive, and giving to my friends, much less the world out there. In short ? I had not been a best friend to others.

Suddenly, I felt so incredibly ashamed of myself. That while others had been giving to me all along, I had not been giving to others. That while people were showing me kindness out of the warmth of their hearts all these years, I had been taking it for granted. That in all the times when others had been supporting me unconditionally, I was feeling sad for myself just because I didn?t have any friends to speak to in that one moment in time.

Who was I to expect others to be there for me if I had never checked to see if they needed me? Who was I to feel disappointed, when I had not been an equivalent friend to them? It made me feel that I didn?t deserve all the kindness I had received all my life, because I had certainly not been dispensing them to others.

I realized that I had been so selfish in how I was approaching my friendships.?I realized I had taken my friends for granted ? expecting them to be there all the time, assuming they would be there when I need them. I had also been relying on circumstances and the world to bring in great friendships, vs. making the effort to create them. Before expecting the world to send me some best friends, perhaps the question to ask is this: Have I been a best friend to others first?

I realized it?s possible for us to create true, close friendships ? as many as we want in fact, but only if we make the conscious effort to build them to begin with. It?s a matter of us taking the first step, reaching out to others, and bridging the divide. Because it has to first start from within ? the desire to create a true, authentic friendship.

How To Create More Authentic Relationships

?A friend is one to whom one may pour out all the contents of one?s heart, chaff and grain together, knowing that the gentlest of hands will take and sift it, keep what is worth keeping and with a breath of kindness blow the rest away.??- Proverb

In 10 Useful Tips To Make New Friends,?I mentioned there are 3 types of friends. Hi-bye friends, regular social buddies, and true-soul friends. I shared how we can make new friends in general, but did not cover specifically on making true, soul friends.

For the rest of today?s article, I?ll share with you a guide on how to create true, soul friendships. Rather than wait for the universe to hand you your best friends, it?s up to us to go out there and create such friendships. Of course, you can?t control whether others want to return the effort or not, but I do truly believe that when we give out of the goodness of our heart, and when we connect authentically with the intention to help them, other people will reciprocate too.

Not only that, we?ll also attract like-minded people who want to create authentic connections too. By focusing on the steps below in the guide, it?s a matter of time before the best of the best friendships will unfold before you.

I also want to state that I?m using ?best friends? loosely to represent close, heartfelt, authentic connections. It stands for people whom you know you can readily reach out to whenever you need help; people whom you know will be there for you no matter what happens. These are the most real, most true connections you can ever have in life.

1. Be a best friend to others first (Think about how you can give vs. receive)

Before we think about having more best friends, we should do some self evaluation and ask ourselves if we have been best friends to others first. Because if we haven?t, then there?s some internal work to be done. How can we expect others to be our best friends, if we?re not even that way to them first? What right do we have to expect that from people out there?

I was talking to a good friend a couple of months back or so (on the topic of love), and then this comment came up about making relationships work ? ?Think about how willing you are about giving first, versus what you expect from the relationship?. (not word for word, but something along those lines). That gave me somewhat of an a-ha moment, because I realized that this was not how I had viewed relationships at all. I had always been (implicitly) seeing them as what I could get out of them, vs. what I could give to the relationship itself. That was definitely some food for thought. I couldn?t help but do quite a bit of self-reflection after that.

While the above point was made with regards to romantic relationships, it applies to friendships too. How much are you willing to give to your friendships to make them work? How willing are you to be a best friend to others? Do you recognize that a friendship is 2-way? Do you recognize that making friendships work is about first being that best friend to others first? If you do, then I?ll say you?re definitely in the right place to make a lot of meaningful, genuine relationships.

I?d never thought about how I could be a best friend to others, but instead thought about which of my friends were better to me over the others. But now it?s different as I focus on giving in my friendships, vs. thinking about receiving the whole time.

2. Think of people you want to create authentic connections with

Not everyone is a compatible match when it comes to creating authentic, high quality relationships.

For one, different people vibrate at different consciousness levels, and that already filters out the people you can connect with. Someone who?s at the level of fear obviously isn?t a good match for someone who?s at the level of courage. The former will be hesitating from making conscious decisions in fear of self-created ramifications, while the latter will be eager to take bold steps and create results in his/her life. Likewise, someone who?s at the level of guilt wouldn?t be a good match for someone at the level of pride. The former is in a constant state of anguish and regret, while the latter may make use of the former?s guilt to build his/her life. This may result in a manipulative, backhanded relationship.

Secondly, different people have different values. Your values are like the big rocks holding the friendship in place. People with similar values will have little problem connecting with one another. The friendship blossoms almost naturally. However, when people with different values get together, they might find the friendship binding instead. They may find themselves disagreeing and conflicting more often than they support one another. My past friendship with K is an example of how friendships built on diverging values can bind us.

(Check out Discover Your Values article in The Personal Excellence Book, which teaches you how to identify your own values.)

Ideally, your best friendships are built with those who (a) vibrate at a similar consciousness level as you, or 1 level above/below yours.?If the levels are too far apart, it?ll be hard for both of you to connect.?(b) have similar values as you do.

That?s not to say that you ignore people who don?t fit either criteria. No. Remember #1 on being a best friend to others first ? this applies to everyone, regardless on their consciousness level or values. If there?s a friend who needs you, be there for them, no matter who he/she is. Point #2 isn?t about discriminating or alienating certain friends ? It?s just about consciously selecting people whom you want to further your friendship with as you create more authentic relationships. At the base level, you continue to be a best friend to everyone in your circle, where you can.

Let?s do a simple exercise now ? Look through your connections list, and think about the people whom you?re most eager to build a better relationship with.?Pick out at least 3-5 people.

• It may be an acquaintance whom you?ve only met once (or only corresponded through email), but you feel there?s potential to bring the relationship to the next level.?This person may have exuded some vibes which made you feel positive about him/her.
• It may be a business contact you?ve been working with professionally, but haven?t had the chance to know about him/her personally.
• It may be an old friend whom you?ve been in touch with on/off, but never made the effort to know him/her better.

As I did this exercise, I picked out 7 people. They include a coursemate from my ex-university whom I?ve out of touch with, 3 contacts I?ve made in the course of running my business (only met each of them 1-2 times before), one business partner I?ve working with closely with for the past year for my workshops, one like-minded business owner, and a recent client who contacted me for a workshop engagement. Most of them are people whom I may not know very well (yet), but I?d love to get to know them better. These are also people whom I got pretty good vibes from in the few times we?ve contacted each other.

When you?re done, go to the next step.

3. Take the first step: Create opportunities to know each other

The next step after #2 is to create opportunities to bond with them.

Before I regarded my best friends as best friends, we started off as regular friends. It was through getting to know them that I knew they could be counted on, and that was how the friendship progressed. How did we get to know each other better? It was by being part of a common ?space? that allowed us to hang out and know each other better. For example, being from the same school. Taking the same classes. Joining the same activities. Being from the same workplace. Working on the same projects.

So what should we do when there?s no longer such a context for us to make friends? Say after graduating from school? Leaving a club/group? Quitting your previous job? How about people who become self-employed, where they?re not part of any organizations but themselves? Wouldn?t everything come to an end?

Well, not quite. If that ?space? where both of you used to be a part of disappears because of a progression in your life path, or if the space doesn?t exist in the first place, then it?s up to you to create it! Create opportunities for you to know each other, via asking them out.

There?s no need to wait or expect people to ask you out first. You can well do it yourself. The easiest way is to ask him/her out for tea, lunch, or dinner. If you have a party or gathering coming up, you can also invite him/her along.?Maybe he/she will say no, but maybe he/she will say yes too.

If no one?s asking you out, it may be because it did not strike them that they can do so. It?s also possible that they take a passive stance towards friendships, as I did in the past ? I was just waiting for the universe to drop good people on my lap. This was a poor approach. As I?ve mentioned above, we can create authentic friendships through conscious actions. So let?s do that, and stop waiting for the world to drop best friends on our lap. Let?s work on earning our friendships rather than taking them for granted.

For example, last month I initiated a meet-up with an old friend. There was no premise for the meet-up at all ? I just thought of the friend one day, thought that we hadn?t met up for a while, and sent a text message to see if she wanted to meet up in that same week.

As it turned out, she was free ? and we met up 1 day later, below my flat, where we chatted for 4 hours, up till almost midnight. In this one meet-up, I think we got to know each other much better than in the past few years of our friendship combined. And all this, from sending a simple message with a simple intention to meet-up. In doing so, I created an opportunity, a space for us to know each other better, just like you should do so for your other friendships too.

4. Get to know the person vs. Fringe topics

When you meet someone, there are 2 types of discussions that can take place.?One is where you chat about marginal, fringe topics, like what?s on the news, the weather today, the movies, tv shows, celebrities, latest gossip, and the like. The other is where you get to know the other person earnestly, from one soul to another ? from aspirations to fears, from goals to dreams.

The first type of discussion will leave you feeling empty at the end of the meet-up, and quite frankly, does nothing to forward the friendship. At the end, it remains a superficial connection, characteristic of that between hi-bye friends and even regular friends. The latter, on the other hand, helps you know the other person on a deeper level, and goes a long way towards building the friendship between both of you. It?s the first step to building authentic connections.

If you want to further a friendship,?get to know the other party personally. How is he/she doing? What has he/she been up to? How is he/she doing at work? Is he/she happy there? What?s been on his/her mind lately??Then just let the discussion flow from there. Make sure the discussion is split at least 50/50 between you/your friend. Be mindful when you?re talking too much, because you may be preventing your friend from sharing.

If you want to take the discussion to the next level, you can learn more about his/her aspirations, what motivates him/her, his/her highest goals and dreams, and more. If the person is earnest about building an open friendship, he/she will readily share, vs. seclude him/herself.

For me, getting to know someone is always an exciting process. Each person is multi-faceted, has his/her motivations that drives him/her, has his/her own story to tell, and a history that makes him/her who he/she is today. Knowing someone is like flipping a book and discovering the mysteries that lie within each page.

5. Focus on the positives, not the negatives

In connecting with others, you may experience qualities about them which you don?t like. Don?t let yourself shy away from that friendship just because of that though. Unless it?s a make-or-break issue (such as values mismatch), you should not let that get in the way of the development of the friendship.

It?s easy to?harp on someone else?s faults, but such a mindset doesn?t help you build true?friendships. Firstly, who?s to say whether something is a flaw or a not??At the end of the day, it?s all just one?s perception.?Everything can always be interpreted 2 ways -?negative or positive,?and it?s up to you on how you want to perceive them. For example, an?impatient person is efficient. A bossy person is?good at taking charge. A quiet person is a good listener. A chatty person is?sociable and lively. A critical person is sharp and honest.

Secondly,?true friendships aren?t built on a premise where you pinpoint your friends? every ?flaw? and ?mistake?. ?They are built under the context where the other party is non-judgmental and nurturing. If you think about it, do you like people who constantly criticize you and watch your every move? People who pinpoint and nitpick your mistakes? Or do you prefer people who see you for who you are? People who are encouraging and supportive? Chances are, it?s the latter.

You can?t change?the person?s character (that?s his/her decision to make), but you can change?how you see them. Be?emotionally generous.?Rather than harp on things you don?t like about someone, focus on the positives instead. Recognize his/her strengths, capabilities and skills. Give praise where appropriate.?See each friend as who?he/she is and who he/she can be, not who he/she isn?t. Be supportive and?encouraging.

6. Share your life with them

A friendship occurs 2-way. Besides getting to know the person (see #4), you should be ready to share your life with them too. Let them know what you?ve been up to. Share with them things you?re passionate about. Let them in on your goals and dreams. Let them know what?s on your mind. Be as open and honest with them as you can.

7. Make an effort to be a part of the person?s life

When I think about what made me open up to my friends in the past, it was because they were somehow just always there for me, whenever I needed them. Looking back, it was because they made an effort to be a part of my life, whether through conscious or unconscious actions on their part. This led me to trust them, and learn to count on them.

Friendships can?t be built by just observing by the sideway. You need to dive in and make an effort to be a part of the person?s life. Some ways to do this:

• Drop him/her a sms or email every now and then to see how he/she is doing.
• Arrange for a meet up regularly, say once a month for starters, then more frequently if the friendship blossoms.
• On top of the normal lunch/dinner outings, suggest to go some place and do something different that?s in line with the person?s interests
• If the person is part of certain interest groups, join in to see how they are like. Get to know this side of his/her life that you?re normally not privy to.
• You can keep in touch via phone too. Do so only if you know the person is receptive to chatting on the phone, and if both of you are somewhat close. If both of you are not close, it?ll be good to check if it?s okay to call first, as the person may be busy with other things.
• Be in touch with what?s happening in the person?s life during the times when you are not meeting up. Social networking sites today, like Twitter and Facebook, makes it easy for you to that.

8. Let them in during your down times

This might not come across as an intuitive step, but it?s actually an important one.

If you?d like to build a true, authentic friendship with someone else, you need to open up to him/her. Beyond just sharing about your life, your thoughts, and your feelings as I mentioned in #6, it?s also about being able to share your happiest times and your down times. The times when my friendships with others really advanced was when I shared with them the frustrations and challenges I was facing. When I did that, I gave my friends the opportunity to know more about me and my inner world, and I also gave myself the opportunity to further a friendship.

Some of you may not want to do that, because you may feel that the other party may not want to hear about it, and you may just be intruding on the person?s space. I actually agree. My recommendation is to do it if the person has made the effort to know you (#4), is supportive (#5) and be a part of your life (#7). This way, you know this person is sincere about developing the friendship, and you know you can count on him/her.

Note that friendships where only one party shares become lopsided, and are generally not healthy. These are not really friendships, but more mentor-mentee relationships. Which is okay if that?s the intention, but not okay if you?re looking for an equal friendship. If you want to build a 2-way friendship, you should let the person in on your inner thoughts. This will encourage the person to share accordingly too. I?ve found from my friendships that when I share openly about what I feel and what I think, my friends are encouraged to follow suit too.

9. Be there for them when they need you

As you do #1-#8, your friend may gradually open up to you. He/she may start to share with you his/her fears, concerns and obstacles he/she is facing in life.

Just like you want others to be for you when you?re in need, make sure you?re there for them as well. This is where you let him/her know via concrete actions that you?re a true friend who?s here to support him/her in his/her problems. Actions speak louder than words ? at the end of the day, it doesn?t matter the things you say about the friendship, but but you do.

Being there for them doesn?t happen only when they physically ask for help. A lot of times, people don?t ?ask? for help explicitly. They may be afraid of troubling you. So, you need to be sensitive to others? needs. Keep yourself up to date of what?s happening in their lives (#7). Listen to sub-text of what a person says. Always keep a look out for ways to be a better friend to him/her.

For example, if a friend has been troubled by work in the past week, you can ask him/her out to take her mind off work. You can also get a small present to cheer him/her out. It?s the littlest things you do that make the biggest difference.

10. Focus on those who reciprocate your efforts

In your efforts to reach out and connect, there are going to be times when your efforts are not reciprocated. For example, there are going to be friends / contacts who don?t respond. There are going to be people who tell you they are too busy to meet. And there are going to be people who keep canceling on you / pushing back on the appointment dates when you?re trying to accommodate to their requests and looking forward to the meet-ups.

It doesn?t matter though.?I?ve friends / acquaintances who don?t respond to outreach requests or take a long time to revert; who keep saying they?re busy and set a 1-month lead-time for appointments when you?re just asking them out for a simple lunch/dinner; who cancel in the last minute or don?t even inform when they can?t come; and who ?play lip service to meet up requests.

In the past I would wonder why they make it so hard to meet them, when all I?m trying to do is to meet them and know how they?re doing. But then I realize that?s just the way they are. Maybe they just prefer to be alone. Maybe they?re just not at the stage in their life where they want to connect with other people. Maybe meeting people and cultivating friendships just isn?t the priority in their life at the moment. After all, for a long time in the past, I prioritized work above all else, so I?m guilty of that.

Respect their choices. Rather than crib at the people who don?t reciprocate, hey ? Focus on the ones who do return your efforts. Let the latter group know how much you appreciate them taking the time to meet up. Be there for them when they need you. Spend more effort on cultivating relationships with people who care and make an effort, rather than those who choose to close themselves off to begin with. You?ll find connecting with the former much more rewarding.

Announcement: Can you be my friend? Join my new Facebook Page

As I?ve shared in my earlier post on?Returning to Facebook, I just created a new Facebook Page, because I want to connect with all of you as the individuals you are, rather than random statistics and figures on my blog counter. With this page, I hope to know all of you better as friends. At the moment, there are about 366 amazing TPEB readers on the page.

If you?d like to give me a chance to know you better (please say yes!! ?), I sincerely invite you to connect with me on my Facebook Page. I?ll greatly value your friendship. I make the effort to read every message on the page and reply where I can.

?Like? and Get To Win The Personal Excellence Book!

As a special thank you for joining, I?ll be giving away a free copy of The Personal Excellence Book to a random member of the page! With over 860 pages, The Personal Excellence Book contains over 130 all-time classics from TPEB and is a must-have for any reader of the blog. It?s what you?d call as ?the handbook to live your best life?.

To qualify:

1. Simply ?Like? the page and you?re automatically placed in the draw.
2. RT the post: ?Returning to Facebook (and Win a Copy of The Personal Excellence Book!) http://t.co/Q0CMPDw via @celestinechua? to be considered for a separate, second entry (You?ve to include a link to this blog post and @celestinechua so that I know you?ve RTed it
3. The lucky winner will be drawn on May 20! Winner will be announced on the Facebook page on May 21st.

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