Focus on the Family Community: Relationships and Marriage ...

BrokenWife,

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Thanks so much for sharing your story with us. It sounds like your experiencing the emotional aftermath of trying to give your husband the benefit of the doubt when he really doesn't deserve it. You've tried the acceptance route of just loving your husband more, but it seems like it may have fueled his self-absorption and addictions even more. It sounds like you know what you would like your marriage to be like, but I don't think it's going to come about by appeasing or catering to his whims and impulses.

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If you haven't already done so, it might be very helpful for you to meet with a doctor to see if you are experiencing depression. There is a physical side to it that along with the emotional distress creates a sense of emptiness and numbness in a person. You might get ahold of Dr. Greg Knopf's book, Demystifying Depression for Christians, to get a pretty straightforward discussion of the disorder. Please don't misunderstand me. I'm not saying that your emotions are simply the result of depression, if that's what you have. I am saying that unrelenting relational stress can be a contributing factor to one's depression.

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In one sense, you've been trying to win your husband's heart by appeasing him. It works temporarily, or at least until you find out that he's been talking to another woman or looking at more pornography. You've been trying to convince him, and for a moment or two it may look like it's working, but it doesn't change anything in the long run. You never know when he will react with more anger and blame. You've been trying to protect your husband, but it has allowed him to continue in his destructive actions. It sounds like your intention has been positive, you want to experience a loving marriage, but unfortunately, such an approach rarely works. In some situations it may work, but not with a man who is self-absorbed, responsibility avoidant, addicted, and deceptive.

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I would encourage you to consider developing a greater assertiveness in general and, more specifically, with your husband. For too long you've been trying to encourage him towards healthy living, but he's not heeded your wise advice. You might read Kevin Leman's book, Smart Women Know When to Say No. Without meaningful accountability directed towards your husband, he will likely continue his ungodly and irresponsible pattern of behavior towards you. If you become more assertive, it won't guarantee that he will change, but you will be in a better place emotionally and spiritually.

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Keep in mind that your husband has been unfaithful to you. Biblically speaking, there is allowance for divorce. That doesn't mean that divorce has to happen, but I think you will need to ask yourself what changes you need from him for healing to occur in your marriage. Because your husband is a smooth talker, it might be hard to know if he's truly changed, but with time, I do believe you can find out. I've included here a portion of a previous post where I detailed five things one needs from a spouse who has committed adultery. You might agree or disagree with these, but I would encourage you to write down what you need from him. For too long your conversation with your husband has centered around his selfish agenda and rage. It's time for you to request reasonable expectations. Here are the five needs: 1- He needs to take ownership for what he has done. There may be issues in the marriage that relate to each of you, but no one forced him to be unfaithful. 2- He needs to end any and all contact with the person that he's been involved with. He can't just be friends; the line has been crossed and the relationship must be ended. 3- There needs to be counseling (maybe some individually and some together especially if your husband has sexual addiction issues in his life) over a fairly extended period of time. This isn't just resolved in four easy sessions about communication and commitment. It will be crucial that he's willing to address the concerns and wounds in his life that counseling needs to confront. You may not know at the outset of counseling if your husband is truly committed to facing the issues in his life that need to be addressed. It's a bit more subjective, but I think you will see if he really is willing to do business with his issues. 4- He would need to be willing to be accountable to you for periods of time now that were previously spent elsewhere. It's important to remember that trust has been broken and it needs to be restored. It's not so much that you hold him accountable as it is your husband realizing that he needs to be accountable to you. In some ways, this goes back to #1 and the issue of ownership and remorse. 5- He needs to hear your hurt and your anger expressed constructively and honestly. I?m not suggesting that you need to make him target practice, but you can't hold those feelings in. You need to be honest with them.

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You might write down what you need from your husband in a letter and keep a copy of it. You might consider adding a sixth need to your list. It might be wise that, at some point, he get a psychiatric evaluation; you shared that he has mood swings which might need to be explored further. You might let him know that you want to see healing in your marriage, that there are a number of things he's not taken responsibility for, that there are some non-negotiable steps that you will need from him. You can let him know that you are willing to grow as well, but that you will no longer be his scapegoat. It's going to be important to express your ideas and needs confidently and assertively. It's not about convincing your husband that you have reasonable needs; it's about letting him know what they are so he can decide if he's willing to meet them. A resource I mention in some situations is David Clarke's book, I Don't Love You Any More. It can be a good resource for a spouse who has minimized the hurt and damage a spouse has done by their infidelity or is limited in expressing their needs in an assertive manner. I don't necessarily suggest the counter-attack he encourages, but it might help you realize that you have a right to ask for specific steps.

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So what do you do if he's not willing to provide these? Then it may be that healing isn't going to be possible in your marriage. I don't think you do yourself or your husband a service if you just accept the status quo. I understand he might comply and go to a counselor and try to blame you. If you go to a competent therapist, I think that person will be able to read through the trash if you explain as clearly as you did here what's happened in your marriage.

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Please give us a call to talk further with one of our counselors. It would be our privilege to speak with you. Your husband's behaviors have done a lot of damage to you and your marriage. Change is possible, but much of it will depend upon your husband's willingness to face his wounds and sin. Know that you are precious to the Lord. Know that others care about your marriage and all that you are currently going through. Again, thanks so much for voicing it here in your post.

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Glenn, LMFT

Focus on the Family Counselor

Source: http://www.focusonlinecommunities.com/thread/25065

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